Good ones race and jblo.

 
  THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. 
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

     

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'
she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness..
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'



                              A Prayer.......

           Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
            Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
                  Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
      I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet
 

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands .

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again.

Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' '

Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;


'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished.

'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22!

My parents still live there!'






'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

good ones J

Maybe I'll find more...

This one isn't dirty...but I might actually use it on someone... hehe...

eh, probably not, but it did make me laugh.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again..'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like the little shit.

At this point I'd probably be on the receiving end of that one.. lol

  A team of archaeologists was working in Jerusalem when they
  found a slab
  of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures
  were:
  1) A Woman
  2) A Donkey
  3) A Shovel
  4) A Fish
  5) A Star of David
  After months of studying the rock and the figures on it, the
  leader took
  the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings
  were several
  thousand years old but, even so, they revealed a lot about the
  people of
  that time.
 
  1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated
  that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family
  oriented culture.
  2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They
  probably used the donkey to till the fields.
  3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew
  how to make tools.
  4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised
  by also  reaping from the sea.
  5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very
  religious group of people.
 
  A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of
  the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your
 conclusions,
  but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew, we read from
  right to left. That way it reads, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that
 woman.'"