Four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They occupied
adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable. One
evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was
lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping
their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed. Jack a
religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the
lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He
jumped up and dashed for the door -

"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

HOMEMADE CHILLI

WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD

 I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one..

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're

definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful,

which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks

WILL fall off..


 Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know

what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way

through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear

wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


 Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home

Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed

normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was

at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


 Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit,

gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The

chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way

through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step

in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which

as never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move

up the aisle and out of it, just as a red apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible

fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's

what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could've warned that poor clerk,

but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor

so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and

waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel

terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!


 Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.

With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and

echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing

the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced

off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it

before the grand explosion took place.

 


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating

above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was

in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly

said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my

shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few

minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent

fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,

jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,

 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from

the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed

two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in

court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 .   nice race , think I best be careful what excuse I use to my mrs reading that

Those last two you posted Raceorfly were so funny!

Race,
Loved your last two jokes.  Thanks for sharing them.

SizeMatters--good one!  Will share it with my lawyer brother.

lol, that's a good one!

Good 1, not half bad Buddy!